Yujin O Tamesu
by Niko
Summary: Lots of bad language. Sequel to "Star Light, Star Bright" in which the enemy is one's guilt


  
Yujin o Tamesu  
  
~*~  
  
Peace. Such a distant word in a war torn world, one believed in the heart but undermined in the mind. What did anyone know of peace? Nothing. Only what they heard from the Old or read in books. As a child made orphan by war, Duo's earliest memories were of battles. Children fought over a wooden crate they'd found in an ally, fought for a semblance of a home and stability. In the old days, such things like old wooden crates were the only thing worth fighting over outside life itself. Now he sat in the cockpit of a gundam, fighting not for a home and certainly not for his own life. He didn't expect to live through the war. No, he was fighting for everyone else. So that they wouldn't have to. The blood on his hands may be thick and plenty but as long as children still laughed and played as though life weren't so complicated, it was worth it. Battles may be second nature, instinct to a retired street brat but that didn't mean Duo didn't regret his deeds. It was just that sometimes, when tears threatened, the fighting was the only thing that helped hide the pain.   
  
Duo opened the door to his room, or rather, kicked it open. The wood creaked against the hinges, unaccustomed to the abuse. He took off his shoes and threw them away, knocking over a lamp by his bed and disturbing a mouse who saw fit to watch from the far corner.   
  
"Damnit!"   
  
He squeezed his eyes shut. He couldn't cry.   
  
"Fuck! Just... aw damnit!"   
  
The cursing helped. Anger was a quick and easy replacement for sadness. Words tumbled over his lips, echoing in the stillness. White and red lights from passing vehicles cast unfamiliar shadows across the walls and himself.   
  
"Stupid! Why the hell..DAMNIT!"   
  
He walked to the mirror, eyes dark. "Look what you've done now, Duo Maxwell. What the fuck did you expect though? Don't tell me you didn't know. So why is it such a shock to you now? Huh? ANSWER ME DAMNIT!"   
  
He took his gun from waist and aimed it at the reflection, "Why can't you say something, anything?! I don't care if you lie anymore. Just tell me why you didn't know before!"   
  
His voice crack in his hysterics. Impossibly, the reflection seemed to smile mockingly at him. Or was he truly smiling himself?   
  
I knew what I was doing. I knew every day the consequences of my actions. I've always known. Always.   
  
"Bastard!" Duo undid the safety to his gun, "You heartless bastard... I don't suppose it matters. You never expect to live anyway, did you? Didn't expect to live with the guilt." he turned the gun till it's barrel was pressed against his temple.   
  
"Omae o korosu, Duo." his finger tightened around the trigger... and pulled.   
  
~Flash Back~  
  
Duo walked down the streets, enjoying the wind that that swept over his sweaty skin. It was a hot day on the earth, something he'd never experienced. The colonies were heat regulated. But this wasn't some artificial life supporting satellite This was nature. Duo breathed a sigh of content and continued down the block. He'd tried to drag Heero away from his laptop. No suck luck. The guy was carbon bonded to the thing. Quatre and Trowa had accompanied him half way but decided to stop at a cafe for some expensive flavored coffee which Duo had refused. The stuff was too fancy for his taste. Give him strait black coffee any day. So now, he walked alone. That wasn't to bad though. He'd stopped at a music store and listened to a few select tracks from the new CD out by Billy Jones. After being practically escorted out on a 'No Sale, No Stay' basis, he'd found a park and helped himself to ice cream. It was much later now though. The sun was setting, a beautiful site to behold indeed. It radiated like an atom bomb on the horizon, sending it's rings of orange and pinks over the city.   
He'd been on his way back to the apartment when a small boy had caught his attention. He was about seven or so in age with unruly dark brown hair, much like a certain brooding pilot he knew. Duo noticed then the state of the boys clothing and frowned. An orphan, or at least a child of poverty. He kneeled down to the boys height and smiled, "Hello. What's you name?"   
  
"Daddy always said I shouldn't talk to strangers."   
  
Duo smiled more kindly, "Alright then. My name is Duo. Now that you know who I am, I'm no longer a stranger."   
  
Unconvinced, the child frowned but relented, "I'm Gymri."   
  
"Gymri?" he sat on the curb, "That's a nice name. Is your mommy or daddy around here?"   
  
The boy shook his head, "My mommy and daddy are dead." Tears welled in the child's eyes and leaked onto his face.   
  
Duo gently wiped them away, "You know, I was an orphan once too."   
  
"Really?"   
  
The braided pilot nodded, "Yup. But then I was taken in by a church and the nice people there helped me. Do you have a place like that to go to?"   
  
"No," he sniffed and whipped his face on his tattered sleeve, "Me and my sister and brothers only have each other. My older brother, Marco, he's twelve, he says that if we go someplace that they'll separate us and we won't be a family any more."   
  
Duo lowered his eyes, "I suppose he's right. Does he support you and you're brothers and sister pretty good?"   
  
"He gets us food. He found us a place to sleep. Marco's really cool. I know he can do a good job."   
  
Duo nodded, remembering Solo and his efforts to keep their 'family' in good health. If he could do it, this Marco had a pretty good chance too. Duo looked back up, intending to look the boy in the face, but found his gaze adverted elsewhere. Around the boys neck was a single pair of dog tags. The two letters engraved on the backside sent a shiver of fear up his spine. "Oz?"   
  
Gymri looked down and grasped his tags, "They were my dad's. He fought for Oz. He.. he died when a gundam attacked a base on the other side of town."   
Duo stood, the look in the boys eyes forever etched into his heart, his words echoing painfully in his mind. He.. he died when a gundam attacked... A gundam... Gundam...   
  
"Mister Duo sir?"   
  
He looked back at Gymri, seeing ony the chocolate colored eyes that starred at him with concern. Concern? For him? A man who could very well be responsible for the death of his father? Duo backed away, taking out his wallet and throwing the youth a handful of money.   
  
"Take it. Please. I'm sorry I..."   
  
Gymri looked even more confused, "Mister Duo? Are you alright?"   
  
"Yes... I.. I.. " I've made orphans out of innocent family members of my enemy.. Afraid tears may be rising in his own eyes, he turned and ran, cursing all the way back to his hotel, even as he kicked his door open and stepped inside...   
  
~The Present~  
  
*Click*   
  
Duo starred at the mirror, eyes void of feeling.   
  
*Click*   
  
*Click*   
  
*Click*   
  
Empty. His gun was completely empty of ammunition. Not even a single bullet to put an end to his cycle of destruction. A child, an innocent child, made orphan by a gundam. Though Gymri hadn't specifically said it had been Deathscythe, he may as well have. It hurt just as much. Had Duo's own parents died in the wars? Had some peace seeking fighter shot down his father or had a bomb gone off in civilian territory killing his mother? Was this what they meant when they said 'what goes around, coming around'? Then why couldn't he die! Duo threw his useless gun at the mirror, shattering it into a thousand pieces. He watched with morbid fascination as his face seemingly melted away, falling like tears to the floor, showering over him in a wave of glass. It cut into him, light trickles of blood trailing down his flesh. The pain was delicious. He wanted to feel pain. He wanted the physical pain to mask his emotional ones. He wanted to die. Duo thought back to his weapons. He only had one hand gun and that had been useless. But Heero... his were always loaded and ready for use. Heero's room was only three doors down. He could surly swipe one easily. Duo picked a piece of glass from his face and tossed it to the ground before stepping out and closing the door on the broken scene.   
  
No sound of tapping keys lifted the silence of Heero's room. Was he asleep already? He opened the door and looked inside. No. He wasn't in bed. He wasn't even in his room. Duo smiled. Heero was just making this easier for him. He'd seen Heero pack his things and unpack them. One gun in the top drawer, one under his pillow and another under the towels in the bathroom. He only needed one. Duo walked to the bed and pulled the one under the pillow out. He opened it up and was surprised to see only one bullet inside.   
  
"It's because I only need one good shot."   
  
Duo turned, startled to see Heero in the doorway. Heero noted his surprise and continued, "That way, if I miss, the target can't use my gun against me."   
  
Duo gulped, discovered and rather embarrassed to be so, "That's good thinking, Heero. Ever tested it?"   
  
Heero closed his door and walked closer to Duo till he could feel the other's breath, "What are you doing in my room and with my gun."   
  
"I just wanted to borrow it." Duo edged away but Heero followed him closely,   
  
"You'll get it back if that's what your worried about."   
  
"And the bullet?"   
  
Duo narrowed his eyes, "Don't ask too many questions, Heero. Just let me borrow it for a second."   
  
"Is that all it takes? One second of insanity? You've already thought everything through then. Now all that wait is the final act."   
  
Duo smirked but no humor was behind it, "You make suicide sound like a theatrical drama."   
  
I was right... I didn't want to be right. Heero cringed in his own fashion, a slight tightening at the outer corners of his eyes. "Damnit, Duo, you make it sound like the most natural and logical things to do! Just what has gotten into you?" he grabbed Duo's arms and pined the to his sides.   
  
Duo seemed less that pleased, "Let me go, Heero!"   
  
"Not until you talk."   
  
"Damnit, Heero, you know exactly why I'm doing this! Or are you as blind as I used to be?!"   
  
The dark haired soldier shoved Duo into the wall and held his back forcibly against it, his arms still grasping the other's arms, "Open my eyes, Duo! Tell me!"   
  
"It's this whole damn war, Heero! Don't you see it? When you walk down the streets, don't you see the children? They're orphans now too, Heero! And it's because of us! We see women crying in the streets all the time, right? Wanna know why they're crying? It's cause we killed their fuckin' husbands! Oz soldiers are people too! They have families, wives and children! Some of them are even mothers themselves! How many more people do I have to hurt? This war may end but the after math will live on after it! Families will still be broken, people will still be dead! I want to be dead to. I owe it to the children, for taking away there parents! Let me go, Heero, that bullet has my name on it!" he shouted furiously, struggling harder against the iron grip of his friend.   
  
"You're wrong."   
  
Duo stopped and looked up, glaring into the prussian eyes, "What the hell do you mean I'm wrong! I saw them! Haven't you listened to a single word I've said? Damnit, let me do this!"   
  
"I'm not arguing with you about Oz." Heero leaned forward so that his nose almost grazed Duo's, "I've seen the faces of the innocent people who's lives I've destroyed when we pass through the streets. I can see the blood on my own hands. But that bullet is not for you. When I put that bullet in there I had only one target in mind. Myself."   
  
"W.. what..?"   
  
Heero released one hands grip on Duo's arm and pointed to the window, "Almost a month ago, I sat on a window seat, looking out at the stars. I held that same gun, determined as you are now to pull the trigger and let myself join a darkness I had already submitted to."   
  
Duo's amethyst gates opened wide, "You mean... that night.. when I came in..."   
Heero cupped the boy's chin with his freed hand, keeping his face straight and eyes trained on his, "You told me of hope and forgiveness and even, more importantly, of friendship. I'd never had a friend before. You didn't know it then, but you managed to talk me off the edge. You brought me back to life in an essence."   
  
"Then I was wrong..," Duo brushed a piece of Heero's bangs from his eyes, "That wasn't the 'Why do I bother fighting' look... it was the 'Why do I bother living' one.."   
  
Heero stepped back, releasing his hold on his friend, "Give me the gun, Duo."   
  
With a bowed head he answered, his voice barely above a whisper, "...No..."   
  
"You've still determined?"   
  
He nodded.   
  
"So be it. But if you're determined... then so am I."   
  
Duo looked up, eyes wide and firghtened.   
  
"Ever played Russian Roulette?"   
  
Duo shook his head, "The odds never seemed in my favor." he raised his gun, "but that was back when winning had been my goal. Loosing seems like the obvious prize now."   
  
Heero nodded and watched as Duo spinned the ammo in it's round compartment. One bullet, six possible places for it to fall. A game of chance and death.   
  
Satisfied at last, Duo raised the gun to his temple, "I go first."   
  
Heero nodded and watched in fear and the trigger was pulled. His heart nearly stopped at the sound. For the second time that day, the empty *click* sounded in Duo's ears. Five places now. He handed the gun to Heero, eyes starring at the slow hand which rose to the side of the boy's head. Prussian eyes seemed determined yet sad. Duo lost interest in the gun and starred into those eyes instead.   
  
*Click*   
  
Duo's body jerked involuntarily, afraid for his friends life. Four. Duo took the weapon and mimicked his earlier actions. He took a deep breath and- *Click*   
  
Three.   
  
Heero's turn. Duo handed it off, disappointed. Just his luck. He had one turn left. Why was Heero doing this? He hadn't been the one afraid of living with the guilt. He'd just walked in on him and become involved. He didn't have to be here. That didn't have to be a gun to his head. This wasn't what he really wanted. Heero didn't want to die! He was only doing this for Duo. Duo's breath caught in his throat. Everyone I care for dies.. Heero's finger tightened around the trigger.   
  
"NO!" Duo lashed out and knocked the gun from Heero's hand, much to the surprise of the other boy. Duo gasped at his own actions, looking first at his hand which seemed to move on its own accord and then to Heero. Without realizing what he was doing, Duo grasped Heero around the chest in a firm embrace, burying his head under his chin.   
  
"Why did you do that? Why did you stop me?" Heero asked finally, smoothing the chestnut hair.   
  
"You're only doing this because of me. I don't want anyone else to get hurt because of me!"   
  
"Baka, of course I'm doing this for you!" Heero pushed him away at arms reach,   
  
"You selfish bastard, do you realize how much we'd miss you?"   
  
"Would.. would you miss me?" Duo asked, almost hesitantly.   
  
"Baka," Heero pulled him back towards him, holding the boy protectively while Duo clung to him as though he were his only life line. "You're my best friend.   
You honestly think I wouldn't?"   
  
Duo shook his head, "Not anymore."   
  
"Shh, don't talk. Don't think. Just be here."   
  
Duo did as he was told. It wasn't hard and Heero hadn't really needed to instruct him to do so. He hadn't been held like this since his days at the church. Arms like these always made him feel safe. God, what had he been thinking? Killing himself? What a stupid cowards way to deal with life. Dead people couldn't feel this warm or at peace.   
  
"Heero?"   
  
"Hm?"   
  
"I broke my mirror."   
  
Heero's chest began to shake under his cheek. Duo looked up at his face and was amazed to find a smile there. Not only that, but Heero appeared to be.... laughing?   
  
"Heero?"   
  
The slight chuckles became full out bouts of laughter which Duo could only join in. What was so funny? Did it really matter? Duo snuggled closer into the embrace. No. It didn't.   
  



End file.
